ACL tear

Four weeks ago I was playing soccer.  We had really late game that night that started at 11:25 pm.  It was the same day sweet Thia passed away.  I feel like people are always dropping like flies around me on the soccer field with injuries.  Seems like someone hobbles of the field every game with some sort of injury, but never me.  Anyways, it was a great game and I had just gotten the ball with about 8 minutes left in the game and was dribbling down the field towards our opponents goal.  I got close and to the outside on the Left of their goal and could see a player from the other team approaching me out of the corner of my eye.  I planted my left foot into the artificial turf and quickly turned to the right to attempt a goal before they reached me.  Instead of making contact with the ball I felt my knee hyperextend a bit and a rip inside.  I knew it was bad and couldn't keep playing.  I never fell to the ground or anything just sort of limp-hobbled off the field and got some ice.

When the game was over and I stood to walk out my knee gave way with every step, so I had to have my teammates help me out to the car and even opted to let someone else drive home (I had driven us all there that night).  I called Derek on the way home, the girls drove me to my house and he came out and carried me inside.  The next day I couldn't walk at all.  My knee seemed to give out with each step, and I was terrified I did something horrible.  By the next day, I could walk with one crutch to lean on and then after one more day I could walk crutch free.  It seemed to improve daily, but still would give out occasionally and stairs were particularly hard.  I started physical therapy and have been doing that twice a week for 3 weeks now.  But after 4 weeks since the original injury and regular physical therapy, my knee is still giving out on occasion and I'm still walking with a limp, so I decided it was time for an MRI.

I was terrified to get an MRI.  I was afraid they would put me inside that little tube and I'm get claustrophobic and have a full on panic attack.  Luckily they put me in feet first and let me keep my head out.  It still made me slightly nervous but luckily there was a little fan blowing on my face that totally helped.  The hardest part was that  I was supposed to hold my leg completely still for 30 minutes so they could get a good picture.  Never in my life have I had worse restless leg syndrome.  I wanted to move it so bad the whole time, but willed myself to press forward and hold still just a little while longer so they wouldn't have to repeat any of the images and prolong the exam even further.  That afternoon I worked and was going crazy waiting for the result.  I finally broke down and asked my nurses to look it up on the computer system.  As soon as they pulled up the report, the words complete ACL tear flashed before my eyes.  I said,  "Oh no!  "Did that really say what I think it said?" as I scrolled the computer screen to the bottom where the radiologist wrote in concluding report to confirm that indeed it did say that.

Now, I didn't know what to do with all my feelings so here I sit blogging.  I know this needs surgery.  I know that after surgery I'm not going to be able to walk hardly at all for most of a week.  I know it's probably gonna be 2-3 weeks before I'm gonna be able to function well as mother, PA, wife, etc.  I know it's gonna be months and months until I'm back to running.  And worst of all, I know this knee is never going to be the same.  While I have loved playing soccer and would love to play again a large part of me is arguing that I'm not sure it would be worth the risk because this huge injury happened so easily in the quickest moment and there was nothing I could have done to prevent it or to anticipate that it was going to happen.  And this has been the worst 4 weeks that I don't really want to repeat and I'm only at the start of a long recovery.  I worry that running will never be the same that my knee will bother me with too much or too far.  I worry that now I'm going to have horrible arthritis and need knee replacement down the road.  

I was telling Derek last night that I feel like this injury has causes me to go through all the stages of grief.  I started with DENIAL.  I was in denial that it was my ACL.  I didn't feel a "pop," I didn't have much swelling, it was getting better, I couldn't possibly have injured it that bad with that little mishap on the soccer field.  Then, I went through ANGER I was so mad that I couldn't run, couldn't play soccer, couldn't do all the stuff I needed to do.  Every stupid runner around town that I passed I wanted to yell and scream and throw things at them for flaunting their uninjured selves in front of me.  Even this poor little high school basketball player who's at the tail end of rehab for an ACL tear irked the crap out of me as she did all her advanced exercises in front of me at the PT gym while I struggled to just peddle a recumbent bike.  Then I moved onto BARGAINING.  If only that soccer game hadn't been so late maybe my legs would have been strong, if only I could go back in time to before the injury and not plant my leg like that, if only I had gotten the MRI right away maybe I could have saved it or had surgery earlier (though I'm sure that wouldn't have changed the outcome at all).  Now, I've reach DEPRESSION.  Whenever I think about how my ACL is torn and I have to have surgery and how long recovery is going to be and worry that running (which is my true love) will never be the same and this knee will never be the same I just start to cry.  And I don't want to do anything except sit in bed with a book or a movie and ice my knee.  

The only thing that brings me a little joy is swimming.  I'm able to swim without my knee hurting or giving out.  Just my left leg is a little weak and gets tired, so then I put a pullboy in between my leg and put on my pull paddles and just pull the rest of the way.  But it is so nice to be able to move and cover some distance and get my heart rate up at least somehow.  I feel like if I just keep swimming regularly until my surgery then perhaps I will be able to move into the final stage of ACCEPTANCE (hopefully before I go under the knife).

Probably won't schedule surgery until the first week in May because I have a medical conference in St. George next week and Dr. Preston is going out of town the last week in April and needs me to help cover at work.  Plus, my Mom said after that last week in April she would be free to come out and help, so that's what we're looking at for now.